Pictures without you

We had pictures made with your bear instead of with you.    Just not the same.

 

Thanksgiving

Miss you so much today (as usual).    Nana put your picture on the table.    It was nice to have you recognized this time.   We put your Christmas tree up at the cemetery.   While it is pretty, it is so wrong to be putting a tree up at a cemetery for a 5 year old.   Even though you didn't like decorating my tree with me,  you should be here to run around and wreak havoc while the rest of us put it up.   I don't want to decorate at all this year, but I know we have to for Thomas and Allison.   I wish we were buying you camo and army men and ninja turtles this year.    I'm sure your list would have included the usual items you asked for....pick ax, ax, knives, guns, sledgehammers, etc!

Thanksgiving at Mamaws

Yesterday mamaw had her early Thanksgiving.   Not one person mentioned you.   It makes me sad and angry.   I could talk about you forever.   I don't understand why people think it is okay to not mention you   You always made your presence known and it is so quiet without you.  This time of year isn't the same without you here.   I'm trying to make it special for Thomas and Allison.   I ordered bears for them made from your clothes.   They should be here soon.   I think I might have to order one for myself too.

Missing out

Allison has been sick for a week.    You always caught everything she did (and vice versa).    I miss taking care of you so much.   I wish I could rock you and snuggle you.    You were snuggly even when you weren't sick, but so much more when you were.     She asked me today when she would have homework.  I told her when she is bigger, she replied with "Benjamin didn't get bigger."   It isn't fair at all.    You should be here doing normal boy things.   One of us should have went to school to have Thanksgiving lunch with you yesterday.    You should be designing your train car for the polar express parade the kindergartners do at school.   You should have brought your second report card home from school today.   I still wonder how you would have done.   

Christmas Cards

Signing cards without you has seemed wrong from the beginning.....Christmas cards feel even worse.   We've used picture cards for years, but you aren't here for a picture this year.   

This is the picture we used last year.......seems so long ago and just like yesterday....all at the same time.   

Your hands

This time of year, we would start putting lotion on your little hands.   They would get so dry and they would crack.  I miss rubbing your little hands this year.   Everything reminds me of you.   I just want you here, not there.   I know you are safe, but I wonder who takes care of you.   Does someone comb your hair or give you a bath?  Do you even still have to take a bath?   Who holds your hand or takes you for a walk?   Who puts your pj's on (if you even need them)?   I wonder if you miss us too.

It just keeps getting closer.....

....Christmas without you.    I just don't feel like I can do it.   I know your ornaments are all in the box....your stocking is there too.    I just want you back.   I'm ready for this nightmare to end.  

Disney isn't so magical anymore

The happiest place on earth, is not the happiest place on earth when you aren't there.   Disney without you was so sad.   Missed you asking for pirate swords, meeting Jake and chatting with the characters.    Missed you falling asleep early....missed you wanting to be home in your own bed.   Missed you watching the planes in the airport.     Daddy missed his rollercoaster buddy.   He was so excited you were getting taller and would be able to ride more with him this year.    We came back to holiday stuff everywhere.....I just have no idea how to even go about facing the holidays.  Disney was awful, so how bad will Christmas be?