So hard

I hate this life without you.     I hate that people think it is okay to play favorites.  I hate that your death didn't teach them anything.    If no one is getting anything out of you being gone, I don't understand how it could have been God's will that you are no here.    I can't believe that the purpose of my life was bad luck and being treated badly.

Christmas

It took me a few days.....So hard to put into words how awful Christmas was without you.   Now that I know how it is without you, I'm dreading next year more than I did this year.    Your stocking remained empty.   There were no gifts for you under the tree.    You weren't running down the hall to see what Santa brought you.    You didn't go to dinner with Grandma or to church for Christmas Eve.  You didn't go to Nana's house or Shari's house.    We came to visit you at the cemetery.   I hate that you are there.   That you will always be there.   I know you aren't really even there but it is the closest I have to being with you.    I hate that some of the people you should have been most important to didn't even acknowledge that you were gone.  You did get a lot of special ornaments, from the most unexpected people.    You also got some wind chimes.   A few places received gifts in your honor to share with other boys and girls.    A bench will go in your playground at church with your name on it.   I'd gladly sit on the ground instead if I could watch you play.      

2 more days

Until Christmas without you.   I wrapped gifts tonight.   There was nothing for you.  No army men or battle tanks.   No super heroes or crazy costumes.    You've left such a hole in my life.  I hope someone is holding you close and taking good care of you.  I wish it was me.   You were being so good that night, so careful.   Staying on the sidewalk, staying with daddy.   Why did this happen to you?   I want my Benjamin back :-(

8 months

I can't believe you have been gone for 8 months.....and there are 8 days until Christmas.  I can't believe it is coming without you.   I can't believe it will happen again next year and the next year and the next year.   People keep giving us ornaments about Christmas in heaven.....I'm sure you'll have the greatest Christmas ever there, but the exact opposite is true here.  

Love you

Love you sweet boy....miss you so much

Tree

The tree is up.   You weren't here to help.   We put up the tree and the stockings, I couldn't do any more than that without you here.   Breakfast with Santa was today, our picture was missing a special little boy.   We went to bass pro today also.....you always had such a good time there.  I wish I had taken you more.   I can't believe holidays keep coming and going without you.   And that it will happen again next year, and the next.   I can't believe this is our life without you now.

Your stocking

I can't believe your stocking is up.....and it will stay empty this year.....and every year.     One of our stocking holders fell and busted after Christmas last year.   We bought a new one for you this year, it has your picture in it.   

Love you so much.