So hard

I hate this life without you.     I hate that people think it is okay to play favorites.  I hate that your death didn't teach them anything.    If no one is getting anything out of you being gone, I don't understand how it could have been God's will that you are no here.    I can't believe that the purpose of my life was bad luck and being treated badly.

Christmas

It took me a few days.....So hard to put into words how awful Christmas was without you.   Now that I know how it is without you, I'm dreading next year more than I did this year.    Your stocking remained empty.   There were no gifts for you under the tree.    You weren't running down the hall to see what Santa brought you.    You didn't go to dinner with Grandma or to church for Christmas Eve.  You didn't go to Nana's house or Shari's house.    We came to visit you at the cemetery.   I hate that you are there.   That you will always be there.   I know you aren't really even there but it is the closest I have to being with you.    I hate that some of the people you should have been most important to didn't even acknowledge that you were gone.  You did get a lot of special ornaments, from the most unexpected people.    You also got some wind chimes.   A few places received gifts in your honor to share with other boys and girls.    A bench will go in your playground at church with your name on it.   I'd gladly sit on the ground instead if I could watch you play.      

2 more days

Until Christmas without you.   I wrapped gifts tonight.   There was nothing for you.  No army men or battle tanks.   No super heroes or crazy costumes.    You've left such a hole in my life.  I hope someone is holding you close and taking good care of you.  I wish it was me.   You were being so good that night, so careful.   Staying on the sidewalk, staying with daddy.   Why did this happen to you?   I want my Benjamin back :-(

8 months

I can't believe you have been gone for 8 months.....and there are 8 days until Christmas.  I can't believe it is coming without you.   I can't believe it will happen again next year and the next year and the next year.   People keep giving us ornaments about Christmas in heaven.....I'm sure you'll have the greatest Christmas ever there, but the exact opposite is true here.  

Love you

Love you sweet boy....miss you so much

Tree

The tree is up.   You weren't here to help.   We put up the tree and the stockings, I couldn't do any more than that without you here.   Breakfast with Santa was today, our picture was missing a special little boy.   We went to bass pro today also.....you always had such a good time there.  I wish I had taken you more.   I can't believe holidays keep coming and going without you.   And that it will happen again next year, and the next.   I can't believe this is our life without you now.

Your stocking

I can't believe your stocking is up.....and it will stay empty this year.....and every year.     One of our stocking holders fell and busted after Christmas last year.   We bought a new one for you this year, it has your picture in it.   

Love you so much. 

Pictures without you

We had pictures made with your bear instead of with you.    Just not the same.

 

Thanksgiving

Miss you so much today (as usual).    Nana put your picture on the table.    It was nice to have you recognized this time.   We put your Christmas tree up at the cemetery.   While it is pretty, it is so wrong to be putting a tree up at a cemetery for a 5 year old.   Even though you didn't like decorating my tree with me,  you should be here to run around and wreak havoc while the rest of us put it up.   I don't want to decorate at all this year, but I know we have to for Thomas and Allison.   I wish we were buying you camo and army men and ninja turtles this year.    I'm sure your list would have included the usual items you asked for....pick ax, ax, knives, guns, sledgehammers, etc!

Thanksgiving at Mamaws

Yesterday mamaw had her early Thanksgiving.   Not one person mentioned you.   It makes me sad and angry.   I could talk about you forever.   I don't understand why people think it is okay to not mention you   You always made your presence known and it is so quiet without you.  This time of year isn't the same without you here.   I'm trying to make it special for Thomas and Allison.   I ordered bears for them made from your clothes.   They should be here soon.   I think I might have to order one for myself too.

Missing out

Allison has been sick for a week.    You always caught everything she did (and vice versa).    I miss taking care of you so much.   I wish I could rock you and snuggle you.    You were snuggly even when you weren't sick, but so much more when you were.     She asked me today when she would have homework.  I told her when she is bigger, she replied with "Benjamin didn't get bigger."   It isn't fair at all.    You should be here doing normal boy things.   One of us should have went to school to have Thanksgiving lunch with you yesterday.    You should be designing your train car for the polar express parade the kindergartners do at school.   You should have brought your second report card home from school today.   I still wonder how you would have done.   

Christmas Cards

Signing cards without you has seemed wrong from the beginning.....Christmas cards feel even worse.   We've used picture cards for years, but you aren't here for a picture this year.   

This is the picture we used last year.......seems so long ago and just like yesterday....all at the same time.   

Your hands

This time of year, we would start putting lotion on your little hands.   They would get so dry and they would crack.  I miss rubbing your little hands this year.   Everything reminds me of you.   I just want you here, not there.   I know you are safe, but I wonder who takes care of you.   Does someone comb your hair or give you a bath?  Do you even still have to take a bath?   Who holds your hand or takes you for a walk?   Who puts your pj's on (if you even need them)?   I wonder if you miss us too.

It just keeps getting closer.....

....Christmas without you.    I just don't feel like I can do it.   I know your ornaments are all in the box....your stocking is there too.    I just want you back.   I'm ready for this nightmare to end.  

Disney isn't so magical anymore

The happiest place on earth, is not the happiest place on earth when you aren't there.   Disney without you was so sad.   Missed you asking for pirate swords, meeting Jake and chatting with the characters.    Missed you falling asleep early....missed you wanting to be home in your own bed.   Missed you watching the planes in the airport.     Daddy missed his rollercoaster buddy.   He was so excited you were getting taller and would be able to ride more with him this year.    We came back to holiday stuff everywhere.....I just have no idea how to even go about facing the holidays.  Disney was awful, so how bad will Christmas be?

Miss you

Tomorrow is another Thursday, that marks another week without you.   I decorated your vase for fall today.   I hope you like the little scarecrow and the squirrel.   I miss you so much.   I am still dreading Disney without you.    I can't believe you really won't be there.   I guess looking at the future it is still so hard to believe you aren't coming back.    I found your dressy black socks today.   I must have missed them when I bagged up your socks.   Your clothes are still in a box.    Not sure I'll ever part with your things.    I wish they still smelled like you. 

Trunk or Treat

Yet another first without you.   You had so much fun last year sitting on the tailgate of Grandpas truck handing out their candy.    You loved complimenting people on their costumes.    You loved to dress up.   I saw a navy seal this year and a captain hook.   They both made me think of you and how cute you would have looked as either one.   5 more days until Disney world without you.    I am dreading it soooo much.

9 days until Disney World

......without you.   I am not looking forward to this without you.   I feel like we are doing something wrong.   Everything is wrong.   You should be there in your Mickey ears begging for pirate swords and hooks and light sabers (not much else at Disney in the way of weapons!).    You would love all of the villians that will be out for the Halloween party.  The bad guys were always your favorite.    Last time we rode the Goofy rollercoaster with you over and over.    You loved Tower of Terror and Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, you really didn't have any fear.  You never did.    I miss my brave little boy.

6 months

6 months without our sweet boy.   This doesn't even seem possible.   Life is so wrong without you in it.    No words really describe how much I miss you today.    Love you so so much.

Miss you

I just miss you.....that's all.    Wish so much that you were here with me.    I wish there was some way for us to be together.

Allison had a birthday and Halloween thoughts

Your sister turned 4 yesterday.   She had a Doc McStuffins party.   We missed you so much.   I could imagine you there sticking your fingers in the icing and helping her open her gifts.   It is so wrong to celebrate when you are not here, you loved to party!    I let Thomas get the Halloween decorations out.   You must have shoved one of your (real) white pumpkins in the tub of decorations when we put them away.   It still looks perfect.   I wish you were here to see it.   I also found your trick or treat bag that you should be using for candy.    I can only imagine what you would be this year....some type of soldier, a toy story army man, captain hook.   I think those would be among your top choices.   It is getting so close to 6 months without you.    I miss you so much buddy.

Birthday planning

So weird to be planning for Allison's birthday without you here.   I keep trying to add you into the count for the goody bags, then I remember that you are gone.    It's been over 5 months, but I still can't imagine forever without you.   Nothing is the same.   I miss your sweet face.   I miss your snuggly little self at bedtime.    I miss everything about you.   Just wish my little Wildman was back!

:-(

I think I have cried more over you in the past week than I have in the past 5 months.   I want you here so bad.   I want you yelling and making messes and peeing on the toilet seat.   I want to buy you a Halloween costume.   Thomas and Allison are going to be Peter Pan and Tinkerbell....You would have made the perfect Captain Hook.    I decorated your vase for Halloween, I guess that is the best I can do for you this year.    Somedays I just wish I was with you, this is just too hard.    Life has moved on for so many people.....I feel like mine never will without you here.   

5 months

5 months.   Today is the first day of fall.   We spent the whole summer without you.   Winter clothes are out, this is the first season I will have bought you nothing for.    Halloween costumes are out.   It was one of your favorite holidays since you liked to dress up so much.    I bet you would have been captain hook or an army man this year.   I'm so sorry I wouldn't let you have a sword for Halloween last year, at least your navy seal costume had a knife.    Disney is getting closer.....and you won't be there.   I still can't imagine how it is going to be without you.    Every day seems to be a little harder without you here.   I got a quilt rack for your blankets.   I'd love to sit and snuggle with them every day, but I don't want to wear them out.    Still just can't accept the fact that you are not coming back.

20 weeks

20 weeks, 140 days.    I miss you so much.   I wish your stuff smelled like you, but you were allergic to all of the scented soap....other than sweaty boy, you didn't have much of a scent.    I miss you falling asleep on us at night in the living room, you didn't make it all the way to bedtime most nights, probably because you got up so incredibly early most days.   I miss my morning buddy on the couch when I eat breakfast.  You and your blanket.  The church built a playground in your memory, they finished today.   I'd much rather have you here to play with on a playground.  You would love it. 

Your Garden

I worked in your garden tonight.   I planted some pansies for you.   It needed some color.   I cut back the moon flowers.   I worked in the rosebushes.    I wish you were here to work with me.   You loved the dirt so much.    It's almost been 20 weeks since you have been gone.   Tomorrow we will see the man who killed you for the first time.    I wish he knew how awesome and special you were.    He took us from you in the blink of an eye.   I worry all the time now about losing your brother or sister since you were taken so quickly.    Miss you sooo much buddy.   

Bad day

I miss you so much today.    I would do almost anything to have you back.    Can't wait until I can see you again.

Gator

Hey buddy.....I cleaned your gator out for you today.   The battery is dead.   The dandelions you picked in April were all still in the back, brown and dead.    I vacuumed it out and cleaned it up.   It hadn't been touched since you've been gone.   I also cleaned your bike up today.   I know you aren't coming back to use it, but I'm not sure I want to part with it.   Missing you so much more than usual today.    Allison erased  the last pictures you drew on the chalkboard in the garage.  I'm glad I had already gotten a picture of them.    We don't spend as much time out in the garage without you here.   You had all of your shovels and lawnmowers out there and loved to play in the ditch and dig in the yard.    I still can't understand why you had to be taken from us.

Sleep

I just can't sleep without you here.   Everything is all wrong.   I just lay awake wishing you were here.   This is all just so very unfair.   Are you having fun?   I know you are well taken care of, but I wish it was me taking care of you.   Our house is all wrong and seems so empty without you.    Love you so much sweet boy.   

Kindergarten

Yesterday should have been your first day of kindergarten.   You should have been following Thomas into school.   I should have been walking you in, taking pictures.    You should have been giving some poor teacher a hard time because we all know that you would not have behaved (we loved you either way!).   I hate that you (and we) are missing out on so much.    It's not fair.

Holiday World

Another thing that jus wasn't right without you.   We went to holiday world yesterday.    Missed you so much.   You had no fear.  You loved to ride and slide and do anything you were tall enough to do.    I missed riding with you so much and it made me realize just how hard Disney world is going to be without you.   I'd love to just cancel the trip and never go again.   I know Thomas and Allison still want to go though.    I hate all of these things without you.   You should be right here with us. 

No words

No words to describe it.   I just miss you so much.  

Your toolbench

I just moved your toolbench downstairs.....I will probably keep it forever, but I think it was time to move it.    I hate it.   I put the little table and a chair in it's place for Allison.   The corner looks all wrong now.   I am so angry that you aren't here.    On days like today, I would so much rather just come be with you than be stuck here.    Today is Walt's birthday party.   Just like last year, you wouldn't understand why you don't get to have yours at nana and papaw's house.   I wish you hadn't been able to see that there were differences in the way that people were treated, but you already understood.    I am so sorry that I didn't do more to stand up for you.   I love you so much.

15 weeks

15 weeks without you as of yesterday.    Things are worse every day.    I miss you so much.   I took Thomas out for school supplies.  You should have been getting yours for the first time this year.   Everything without you feels all wrong.   Seems as though everyone's worlds are moving on without you except for mine.   I want nothing more than to just have you back or somedays just to come be with you.  

99 days

Just doesn't seem right to almost be to the triple digits on days without you.    I miss you so much.   Every day is still worse than the day before.    Daddy and Thomas are at camp.   Last year you were here with Allison and I.   Just seems to quiet with just the two of us.   I'd give anything to have you back here with me.    We have to go to Walts birthday party this weekend.  It's going to be so hard to be around 5 year olds and pregnant people knowing I will never get my 5 year old back or have another baby.   It just isn't fair.    You were the most awesome five year old of any of them!!!

Cross country

Tonight is supposed to be your first practice.    You were so looking forward to "kicking Thomas' butt" this year.    I so wish you were able to give it a try!!!    The night you died you had told me you were going to run 155 miles!   

Worse than usual day

No day without you has been good.....but some are worse than others....today is one of those.   I need you here so bad.   Seems like no one understands.   I can't sleep.    I can't eat normal.   I've cried for 94 days in a row.   My chest hurts and sometimes it is hard to breathe.....just feels like I can't go on this way.   

I need you

I need you here with me.....where you belong.    Thomas got a letter with his teacher in it today.   You should have gotten one too....instead you got a card asking if you wanted to renew your magazine subscription.   I can't do this anymore.   I want you back so bad.   I want to help you pick out a backpack (probably camo) for kindergarten and pick out a new lunchbox.   I want to watch you run  your first cross country meet.    Life without you will never even be close to the same.    I'll never understand why things had to be this way.

Your stuff

I just dusted all of your toys.  They never had time to get dusty before...then I put them back on the shelf.    Thomas wants to keep them in his/your room for now.    I put all of the missles back on your army plane you got for your birthday.   I even got the little piece of plastic put back over the cockpit.    I found the 25 cent plane you picked out when we shopped for your birthday party.   So easy to please and you hardly ever lost anything.     I also framed some of your art work.    So sad that I will never get more from you.

Just can't get used to it

Part of me thinks that one morning I will get up and you will be in your bed.   I keep coming home forgetting that you are gone....I think you will greet me at the door....then it hits me you never will.    I miss your sweet face so much.   Miss your goofy laugh.    I miss how easy it was to make you happy.    I wish so badly that you were here where you belong.   

12 weeks

12 weeks without you seems like a lifetime.   I miss you so much.    I miss you yelling cannonball and running through the house.   I miss you complaining about having to take your pull up off "Every.single.morning"     I miss you outside while we cut grass and trim bushes.    Thomas got new cross country shoes last night and you should have been getting your first pair.    I started cooking again this week.    I miss cooking for 5, I miss you at the table.    I miss you telling me how bad my cooking is and how you would eat if I made steak or tacos every night.    I just miss you.

Can't get used to this

I just can't get used to you being gone.   Sometimes I think that maybe it wasn't you who died, maybe you are just lost somewhere and we will find you.   I really can't fathom getting through life without you.   You were such a special unique boy that nothing will ever fill the void you have left here.    I'm sorry for pushing you so hard.   If only I had known.   I hope you know I loved you and I wanted the best for you.   I wanted you to do good in school and behave in school.    Even if you had failed kindergarten 10 times, I still would have loved you and I hope you know that.    You were such a good boy (minus not eating your dinner) on that last day.....you didn't  deserve this at all.   

4th of July

I am trying to figure out a way to skip Christmas without you.   Every day without you is hard, but I didn't expect 4th of July to be much harder than a regular day.   Now that it was so hard....not sure how to do Christmas without you in a few months.    I find every day gets a little bit harder without you here.   I would love to hug you instead of hugging your blanket.    I have no idea how to do this forever.  

Another trip without you

You only went to Gatlinburg once, but you loved it.    You kept asking to go back.   I wish I had taken you again.    We are here now without you and all I can think about it you.   You should be here with us.    You should be riding water slides and getting tickets in the arcade.    Last time we walked in downtown Gatlinburg it was pouring rain.   A big truck went by and drenched you from head to toe...You thought it was so funny.   I'm glad you had such a good sense of humor.    What I wouldn't give to make more memories with you, five years wasn't enough.

10 weeks tomorrow

10 weeks tomorrow....70 days.....doesn't seem possible.    I miss you so much today.   Our summer is nothing like I had planned.    Ours days are made up of therapy appointments, grief counseling, dr appointments, allergy shots.     I had planned fun days for all of you.....not days without you.    It is still so hard to accept that I have to live the rest of my life like this.    I don't want this life.  I don't want to live it.    Days like today I wish that it had been me instead of you.....or I wish I could come and be with you.     Nothing will ever be right without you here.

VBS

We started VBS at church on Sunday.   It is so sad watching the kindergarten group knowing you should be there dancing and singing.   You had so much fun last year.   You could tell me your stories better than Thomas could.   You sang the songs months after VBS was over.    We are going to today to meet the lawyer that is prosecuting the man who did this to you.    I am so angry and sad this morning wondering what we did to deserve this.   Why was it you?  Why the exact spot on the sidewalk where you were just riding your scooter?    I will never understand any of this.

Watering can

I so wish I would have bought you that ninja turtle watering can you wanted in Target.    I am glad I got to take you out alone the day you saw it.   We picked out new ninja turtle tooth brushes and toothpaste because you had been sick.    I also bought you the ninja turtle gloves.....but not the watering can.   You begged for it every time we went to target after that.   You reminded me often that you still wanted it.   If only you had known, I got it for you.   I was saving it for your Easter basket.   You would have been so  happy on Easter morning if you had been here.   I had the watering can hiding in the basement....you probably walked past it a million times.    Why didn't I just give it to you or buy it for you earlier?  I  hope you know how much I loved you and how much I still love you.    I wish it had been me instead of you.   I know that I would be a lot less missed than you are.   

2 months

2 months today since you left us.   Miss you so much.   I've cried every day that you have been gone.   You were supposed to get your teeth cleaned with Thomas and Allison today.   There was a sign saying to let them know if you needed Kindergarten paperwork...that should have been you.   You already had your kindergarten physical....You should have gotten your teeth checked and your eyes checked and then you would have been ready.   I am dreading all of the first day of kindergarten photos that everyone will share in August.   It should have been you too.   We got our library papers today for the summer reading program.  You always loved the junky hat or backpack you would get for filling your paper out and bringing it back.   I still can't imagine living the rest of my life without you in it.   You have left such a big empty whole.

First vacation

We are home from vacation....back home without you.   Your garden is growing, unfortunately your sunflower doesn't look like it is going to bloom.   I was so excited to have it since you planted it yourself.   I was hopeful to get seeds to be able to keep it going.   I wish I had taken a picture of it in the little cup you planted it in.    I really wish it would grow.  

Missing you

Eight weeks today since you were taken away from us.   I miss you more every day than the day before.   I miss you yelling and running and being wild.   I am sorry I was so hard on you for being so wild all the time.  What I wouldn't give you hear you yell "cannonball" and see you take off through the house.   What I wouldn't give to clean toothpaste off of the bathroom mirrors/towels every day.   I don't understand why this had to happen.    You were my strong healthy hard headed boy.  The one I never worried about anything happening to.  We are on our first vacation without you and it's all wrong.   Allison needed a buddy to dig in the sand with.   Too quiet without you throwing sand and not listening :-(