12/31/15

The end of a whole year where you didn't exist.    And it sucked.    I just want you back.    I'd love to take all 3 of you and move away and start over like I should have done long ago.    If we didn't still live here, maybe you'd still be with us.     I can't believe I still have to live this life without you.   I miss you so much sweet boy.  

A second Chirstmas without you

I miss you sooooo much this year.   I don't know what you would like or what you would have asked for.   Would you still love Santa?    Would you still like army men?   Would  you still get up at the crack of dawn?   I would still give anything to have you back.    Anything.    Your stocking will hang empty again.    I'm fighting with Daddy again.....nothing new these days.   I feel like I'll never be good enough.   I just want you here.   All of my kids.  

Can't do this again

Can't do the holidays without you again   I want to be anywhere, but here.   I want to be with you.   I want to be loved and important.   I want you back.   I hate this life without you.

Missing you

Hey buddy
I miss you so much (nothing new, right!?)   That time of year to wonder what you'd be for Halloween or to wonder if you would be running cross country.   Maybe you would have picked something new.   I wonder what size clothes I would be buying for you this fall and how big you would be.   I just miss everything about you and I hate all of the wondering.   I just want you here with me.   Where you belong.    Love you so much.

Cross country season

You should be out there running this year......a gator usually leads the race.....you'd be first in line to chase after it, no doubt.   I decorated your vase for Halloween, I hope you like it.   I miss you so much sweet boy.

1st Grade

1st Grade....it's where you should be right now.   You would know how to read some....and how to write so much better.    You would have spelling words and homework (that you would hate!!).    I am missing watching you grow up so much.   It just isn't right at all.   Allison will be in Mrs Sonyas class very soon....in your room.   It is going to be soooo hard to watch her be older than you in a few months.   Love you buddy!!

Not fair

I want you back....here....where you belong.   I feel like everyone has gotten used to you being gone, everyone except for me.   I didn't sign up for this life without you.   These should have beens are killing me.   You should be running cross country, going to your cousins birthday parties, getting ready for first grade......I hate it.

Walt is 6

....and I find myself asking why I didn't get to see you turn 6.   I wonder what kind of party you would have had.  I miss you so much sweet boy.   Love you.

Swingset

We had to take the swing set down....it was old and getting dangerous.    You would have loved helping daddy and Grandpa build the new one.   You were very missed out there.   It was sad to get rid of the one you made so many memories on.    We've missed you all summer....wish you were here getting ready for first grade.

Too long

It's been too long....I miss you so much.   Too long since I've seen your face or rubbed your head.   Too long since I've carried  you to bed after you fell asleep.    I don't feel like I can do this forever.   I want you to come back so bad.    Life was better with you in it.  

Graduation

You should have graduated from kindergarten yesterday.  You should be in first grade.   All of the boys and girls were walking into school all dressed up.   I wanted to tell them you were missing.   Love you sweet boy.

Kindergarten Graduation

You should be graduating from kindergarten this week.    I wonder if you would have passed.  I know you were a smart boy.   You were also such a suborn boy.  It would have been so hard for you to sit still and listen and behave.   I wonder how your year would have gone.   I wish you were here to enjoy your summer break with us.   I guess heaven is more fun for you, but it sure isn't for us.

18 years

18 years....that is how long the young man who killed you will spend in prison, possibly only 15.   You are worth so much more than that.    I wish he knew how much we missed you and your crazy little self.   Miss you so much sweet boy.

Mothers Day

Mothers Day minus you is just not the same....I miss you so much.   

Mothers Day Tea

Today I should have taken the day off.   I should have dressed you up in your Sunday best.   We should have been together at the Kindergarten Mothers Day Tea.     I miss you so much.  

Best Buddy

Allison misses her "best buddy"......she misses playing with you and making trouble with you.    Thomas doesn't play with her the way that you did.   She had a constant playmate and best friend and brother all in one.   It is so unfair that it was taken away from her and from you.   We all miss you so much.   We had steak for dinner, your favorite.   It just isn't the same.    I saw my old zoo pass in my purse that said "3 children" today, just can't bring myself to get rid of it.   Our insurance card still has your name on it.   I dread the day when the one will come and you are left off.   Love you sweet boy.

:-(

Please come back......I so wish there was a way

You missed it

You missed my birthday again last week.  It just isn't any fun without you.   Just means I am closer to seeing you again.

April 22

A year ago today, we laid your body to rest.   I got to look at you and touch your face one last time.   I fixed your shirt and made sure you had your favorite pillow.   I kept your favorite blanket for me.    We left you with notes from your friends and a few army men.   Also a bear that Thomas and Allison put their pictures and notes in.    We said goodbye then had to leave you at the cemetery.   I visit you often.   I don't know if you know or not.   I try to keep your vase decorated in things I think you would have enjoyed.    I know you aren't in that cemetery, but it's the closest thing I have to "visiting" you.   My birthday will come again tomorrow.....it isn't the same without you.    It's hard to celebrate with someone so important missing.    Love you so much sweet boy.

1 year without you

It feels like yesterday and then again it feels like this year has drug on......I can't believe you have been gone for a whole year.   I miss you and love you so much.    We worked on your garden.  Still wish you had been here to landscape and play in the dirt with us.   You would have loved it.    I would give anything to have you here by my side.   Anything.   Miss you so much sweet boy.   

Good Friday

The dates are different, but last year we spent Good Friday planning your funeral.   I miss you so much.   It's not fair.  I should be making you an Easter basket.  You should have hunted eggs.   You should be leaving for vacation with us on Sunday.   I think I will forever associate Easter weekend with the timeline of your death.   You weren't supposed to go first.   I wish somehow that it could have been me.   I'd give anything for you to be here instead.  

Egg hunt

I think today might have been the last "first".   The church egg hunt, without you.   Allison was sad you weren't there.   We donated camo eggs because we know you would have loved them.    Easter is forever changed since we spent last Easter planning your funeral.   It is getting so close to that one year mark without you.   I can't believe you would be 6 and almost done with kindergarten.  Your play would have been Thursday night.   No doubt you would have been  a star.    I miss you so much.  

Safety Day

I know that even if you were here, you wouldn't have been at safety day.   You should have been in Kindergarten.  Either way, it still made me think of you.   I took Allison today to safety day at school.   I remembered how much fun you had last year.  Safety week truly was one of the best weeks of your life.   You had such a good time every single day last year.  You would be so jealous that her safety goggles are tinted this year.   You would have stole her light up hard hat key chain   You wouldn't have minded that it was raining, you just would have loved it.  

Caught off guard

I still get caught off guard when I am out shopping.  I see things you would love and I think about buying them for you....then I remember you aren't here anymore.   Saw the coolest spiderman shirt today.   You would have loved it....it was a running shirt.

Another big snow

11 inches....you would be so excited.     Makes me miss you so much more.    I wish you were here to play with.    I can't believe it's been almost 11 months, which means the one year mark is closing in.    So many days, I'd just love to give up and be with you.    Love you so much.

Happy Birthday....a day late

Yesterday was your birthday.   You should be 6 years old now.   I should have a 6 year old.   There was a snow/cold day from school for your birthday.   We had tacos for you to celebrate although it didn't feel like much of a celebration without you here.    I wonder if you would have still loved army men or if you would have asked for something else this time.   What kind of party would you have wanted?   Camo?  Army?  Ninja turtles?  Something new?    I hate not knowing what you would be into by this time...a lot changes in 10 months.   I hope you had the best birthday party ever in heaven.   

:-(

Really missing you today.   Valentines day is 2 days away, your birthday is 6 days away.    I can't believe you are gone....sometimes it still seems like you will come back sometime.   It is hard to think that 20 or 30 years from now, you will still be gone.     I just can't get used to life without you.   Almost 10 months, a lifetime still seems impossible.   

Valentine shopping

Finished getting ready for Thomas and Allison for school.  This is so incredibly unfair.   You should be here.  You should be signing up to take things to school.   You should be getting ready for your first school play.    I hate it without you.

It is coming....

Your birthday.....is going to come without you just like everything else.    I hope you are planning one awesome party in heaven because the one down here isn't looking too happy :-(

Thomas' birthday

Another celebration you should have been at.   You would have loved climbing on the ropes course at his birthday party.   I could just see you all the way at the top, not afraid of anything.    Then we had skate night at church.....you never got to skate.   I feel bad that I never took you.   I'm so sorry.   Allison wasn't very good at it, but she'll get better.   I wonder if you would have been a good skater.   I wonder so much about what you would be doing right now.   I wonder how tall you would be and how much you would weigh.   Anything I thought was bad about life before, really wasn't that bad until you weren't here anymore.   Wish I could join you so badly sometimes.

This time 2 years ago....

you were sick for Thomas' birthday.   Today we had to cancel his party because Allison is sick.   I miss you being here to share all of her germs.  I'm sure you would have brought her home plenty from kindergarten as well.    We've been picking out which valentine cards to make.   I have seen so many you would love.   Some with bugs, some with army men, some with glow sticks.   You wouldn't have been picky.   It is hard to believe yesterday was 9 months since you have been gone.    I still miss you more every day.  

Love you

So much......Went to visit you today.    I wish you were really there.    Wish I knew why we were chosen for this.  It isn't fair and somedays I just want to quit.  

:-(

Decorated your vase for Valentines day.   I hope you like it.   I can't believe you have been gone for almost 9 months.   It feels like it has been no time.  I wonder how much you would have grown in 9 months, what size you would be wearing, if you would have gotten kicked out of kindergarten yet.....or maybe I would be surprised and you would be a star student :-)   You were smart, just super super stubborn.    I'm sorry I was so hard on you about learning to write your name and learn your letters.   I just wanted you to be ready for school....if only I had known you wouldn't need any of that.  

New Year, No You

It isn't a very happy new year without you.   A whole year that will have no new Benjamin memories.   It is all wrong....just like everything else without you.   :-(