99 days

Just doesn't seem right to almost be to the triple digits on days without you.    I miss you so much.   Every day is still worse than the day before.    Daddy and Thomas are at camp.   Last year you were here with Allison and I.   Just seems to quiet with just the two of us.   I'd give anything to have you back here with me.    We have to go to Walts birthday party this weekend.  It's going to be so hard to be around 5 year olds and pregnant people knowing I will never get my 5 year old back or have another baby.   It just isn't fair.    You were the most awesome five year old of any of them!!!

Cross country

Tonight is supposed to be your first practice.    You were so looking forward to "kicking Thomas' butt" this year.    I so wish you were able to give it a try!!!    The night you died you had told me you were going to run 155 miles!   

Worse than usual day

No day without you has been good.....but some are worse than others....today is one of those.   I need you here so bad.   Seems like no one understands.   I can't sleep.    I can't eat normal.   I've cried for 94 days in a row.   My chest hurts and sometimes it is hard to breathe.....just feels like I can't go on this way.   

I need you

I need you here with me.....where you belong.    Thomas got a letter with his teacher in it today.   You should have gotten one too....instead you got a card asking if you wanted to renew your magazine subscription.   I can't do this anymore.   I want you back so bad.   I want to help you pick out a backpack (probably camo) for kindergarten and pick out a new lunchbox.   I want to watch you run  your first cross country meet.    Life without you will never even be close to the same.    I'll never understand why things had to be this way.

Your stuff

I just dusted all of your toys.  They never had time to get dusty before...then I put them back on the shelf.    Thomas wants to keep them in his/your room for now.    I put all of the missles back on your army plane you got for your birthday.   I even got the little piece of plastic put back over the cockpit.    I found the 25 cent plane you picked out when we shopped for your birthday party.   So easy to please and you hardly ever lost anything.     I also framed some of your art work.    So sad that I will never get more from you.

Just can't get used to it

Part of me thinks that one morning I will get up and you will be in your bed.   I keep coming home forgetting that you are gone....I think you will greet me at the door....then it hits me you never will.    I miss your sweet face so much.   Miss your goofy laugh.    I miss how easy it was to make you happy.    I wish so badly that you were here where you belong.   

12 weeks

12 weeks without you seems like a lifetime.   I miss you so much.    I miss you yelling cannonball and running through the house.   I miss you complaining about having to take your pull up off "Every.single.morning"     I miss you outside while we cut grass and trim bushes.    Thomas got new cross country shoes last night and you should have been getting your first pair.    I started cooking again this week.    I miss cooking for 5, I miss you at the table.    I miss you telling me how bad my cooking is and how you would eat if I made steak or tacos every night.    I just miss you.

Can't get used to this

I just can't get used to you being gone.   Sometimes I think that maybe it wasn't you who died, maybe you are just lost somewhere and we will find you.   I really can't fathom getting through life without you.   You were such a special unique boy that nothing will ever fill the void you have left here.    I'm sorry for pushing you so hard.   If only I had known.   I hope you know I loved you and I wanted the best for you.   I wanted you to do good in school and behave in school.    Even if you had failed kindergarten 10 times, I still would have loved you and I hope you know that.    You were such a good boy (minus not eating your dinner) on that last day.....you didn't  deserve this at all.   

4th of July

I am trying to figure out a way to skip Christmas without you.   Every day without you is hard, but I didn't expect 4th of July to be much harder than a regular day.   Now that it was so hard....not sure how to do Christmas without you in a few months.    I find every day gets a little bit harder without you here.   I would love to hug you instead of hugging your blanket.    I have no idea how to do this forever.