Can't get used to this

I just can't get used to you being gone.   Sometimes I think that maybe it wasn't you who died, maybe you are just lost somewhere and we will find you.   I really can't fathom getting through life without you.   You were such a special unique boy that nothing will ever fill the void you have left here.    I'm sorry for pushing you so hard.   If only I had known.   I hope you know I loved you and I wanted the best for you.   I wanted you to do good in school and behave in school.    Even if you had failed kindergarten 10 times, I still would have loved you and I hope you know that.    You were such a good boy (minus not eating your dinner) on that last day.....you didn't  deserve this at all.